QUESTION:  Regarding last month’s Jack’s Corner on forgiveness…What happens and how does one handle the situation when the hoped-for forgiveness and reconciliation do not come forth?

ANSWER:  (Last month’s article addressed forgiveness between a parent and child.)  Let me begin by saying that children are usually far more forgiving and honest than most adults.  Most children really want to set things right.  They usually lack the bitterness, resentment, and punishing behaviors present in adults (But they do learn these behaviors well from watching how adults behave.).  Forgiveness is usually much more true and honest when it comes from children.   They usually lack the sinful subterfuge of adult interrelationships.

Often we adults (particularly in the church)  (1) ignore a wrong, (2) numb ourselves to a wrong, or (3) flee from a wrong …then we call it “forgiveness.”  Think of someone in the church who has wronged you …do you presently try to ignore him?  Do you pretend the wrong really wasn’t that bad so you don’t have to acknowledge your true feelings?  Do you no longer have anything to do with her?  Do you relate to him with “polite aloofness”?  Such behaviors are not forgiveness. 

True forgiveness is continuing to involve yourself in the life of someone who has wronged you, as if the wrong didn’t happen, FOR THE PURPOSE OF the transformation of both of you.  True forgiveness transcends mere feelings.  It is tremendously costly.  True forgiveness transforms both the giver and the receiver.  True forgiveness is only possible with God’s transcendence.

Rarely do adults (1) enter deeply the life of someone who has wronged them, (2) confront him/her in Christian love, and then (3) continue in relationship with him/her.  Numbing, fleeing or ignoring is the usual tactic.  If there is confrontation, rarely is it done in Christian love; and hence, usually destroys the relationship (From that point on, at some level, there is emotional withdrawal from the person.).  Children are usually better at the “living out” of forgiveness.

With these thoughts in mind…if the “hoped-for forgiveness does not come forth”, there is a wonderful (but heart-breaking) opportunity from God to be on your knees consistently for the sake of your child.  Such behavior in a child is a clear window into the soul and speaks volumes about your child’s spiritual needs and about your relationship with him.  Things are far worse than you thought.  How will you pray for and live out the character of Christ in your child’s life?  How does he see forgiveness demonstrated in your life?  How has he experienced reconciliation through your actions and words?   How will you make your relationship with him so attractive that he will be hungry to forgive and reconcile? 

Whether or not you receive the “hoped-for” forgiveness, there is opportunity for both of you to be transformed (sanctified).  Rejoice, and thank God for the possibilities! Only God can command forgiveness.  He perfectly forgives, so he can require us to forgive  (MT 6:12, 14,15).

QUESTION:  When I fail as a parent, I ask my son to forgive me.  He is usually uncomfortable for a while and then forgives me.  Something about the whole situation doesn’t seem quite right.  Any suggestions?

ANSWER:  I recently read an article by a respected Christian author and counselor about anger and conflicts in the home.  The author had many valid and biblical observations and insights regarding the “how to’s” of dealing with the times we, as parents, fail our kids.  The last step the author offered in how to handle conflicts really bothered me.  Not that it was unbiblical or even unrealistic, but it didn’t take into account the subtleties of sin or the costliness of forgiveness.

When parents fail, the author recommended they should ask their child to forgive them.  At first glance, how could anyone find fault with such a humble and honest request?  What an opportunity!  Give your child a chance to forgive!

Let me make a small but critical change in this approach to conflict resolution.  Instead of asking the child to forgive you, express your sincere and repentant HOPE that they will forgive you at some point in time.  Notice the difference?  Doesn’t seem like much until we look at the situation from the point of view of the child.

Often, we are quick to “repent” or apologize and shift the burden and responsibility of the situation onto the other person.  In a selfish need for closure, and in a shallow response to our sin, we “go through the motions” of the reconciliation process.  Somehow, we believe that in admitting our failure, we have effectively put the “ball” in the other person’s court.  Imagine what this feels like to a child…not only does he have to deal with his hurt, anger, and confusion about the situation….but now, the burden of final resolution (i.e. forgiveness) is placed heavily on his shoulders while you get to “walk away”.

Certainly our children need to have the experience of struggling with forgiveness.  Heart-felt forgiveness is hard work.  It is far more than mere words, and involves more than our feelings.  The struggle of forgiveness will give him a glimpse of the heart of God and the meaning of the Cross. 

On the other hand, we parents also need to struggle with our deep failures.  There is immense, life-changing value in deep repentance.  The time spent in agony and self-examination while our children are deciding how and when to forgive us is time well spent.  The forgiveness from our children whom we so deeply love will mean so much more, and be so life-changing, if it is hard won.  Forgiveness is costly.  Yet, when it is given and received at such cost, it is truly transformational.

Moments when parents fail can be far more powerful than a string of successes if they are pondered, deeply felt, and used as opportunities to draw near in relationship with our children.  Love and forgiveness are interwoven…each impossible with the other…each only as deep and true as the other.  Know the value of the struggle!  Don’t be too quick to put the situation behind you.  Your gut was right; something is not “quite right”