QUESTION:  I was disappointed to learn that my college age daughter has plans to share an apartment with a girlfriend and two young men.  She says they are just friends.  Her father and I couldn’t seem to come up with any convincing reasons to dissuade her.  Can you help?

ANSWER:  I’m hoping you are looking for some convincing biblical reasons.  If we go by what is “practical” or “popular”, if we go by the “What’s wrong with it?” philosophy of looking at morality, then we will find ourselves caught in the quagmire of relativism, pragmatism and opinion.  As Christians, we determine our morality by what God reveals to us in Holy Scripture.  What is right is what God says.  Christian morality is prescriptive:  based on what “should be” not what is popular, pragmatic, or even culturally commonplace.  It is deontological (duty-centered), not teleological (end-result-centered).

The world would like us to believe there are many moral “gray areas”.  I believe there are few.  The world would like us to believe that morality is determined by the individual.  I believe morality is determined by God.  It’s time for a well-rehearsed, heart-to-heart talk with your daughter.  If her relationship with Christ is important, the following points will matter to her. 

1.  Don’t be naïve; friends don’t always stay friends  (Consider the TV show by that name.).  In the intimacy of a shared residence, opportunities and changes happen that are unforeseen. 

2.  Don’t give Satan a foothold.  Don’t think you are “spiritual enough” to avoid the thoughts and temptations that will be consistently put before you.  “Let anyone who thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall.” It is hard enough for a young person to live a sexually pure life without purposely placing herself in situations where temptation abounds.  Avoidance is good policy when it comes to opportunities to sin.

3.  This choice is not just about you.  Consider the effect on believers and unbelievers who look in from the outside.  A Christian should make certain there is no reason for rumor or misinterpretation to occur.  Our example should be morally pure.  People will always put their own “spin” onto the situation.  “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven” Mt. 5:16  “But among you (believers) there must not be EVEN A HINT of sexual immorality, or ANY KIND of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.  EP. 5:3  “Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”  1 PE 2:12   God’s reputation is entrusted to his people.

4.  Consider the effect on any younger people who look to you for leadership and example.  Whether or not you can “handle it”, they might not.  Your example might give them permission to enter a situation where they will fall into temptation.  “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come.” LK. 17:1 Christians should not be a stumbling block to other believers.  “Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God.  1COR 10:32  “Make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.  RM 14:13  “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.”  1COR 8:9 

5.  Try to find any evidence in Scripture to support the idea that this choice is wise, prudent, in the best interests of young Christians, in your best interest, is a good example, or will foster a good reputation.  “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.”  1 TIM 4:12 

6.  The Corinthian congregation had a “What’s wrong with it?” attitude, a “We can do whatever we want!” attitude.  “Everything is permissible for us” they would say.  St. Paul would respond:  “but not everything is beneficial.” (1 COR 6)   Instead of asking “What is wrong with it?”, ask:  “What is right about it?”  Will this arrangement be good for God’s reputation?  Will it make it easier for you to have pure thoughts?  Will it make it easier for the young men who live with you to have pure thoughts?  Will it help you shine as “light”, or will you blend in better with the “darkness”?

So many young people today have no clue about morals and ethics.  They look to the media or what’s popular.  No wonder!  Many adults are confused, compromised, and unsure of how to determine right and wrong.  This is an opportunity for your daughter to experience your convictions based on the revealed Word of God; do not fail her!

If she still chooses badly after hearing what God has to say, she will have clearly exposed her spiritual condition.  You will know just how much she needs your prayers, encouragement, and example.

QUESTION:   I here so much about "positive reinforcement" being so much better than punishment.  Is there still a place for punishment in Christian parenting?

ANSWER:   The problem is not with punishment but with the MOTIVE of the parent.  Punishment is rarely carried out in a godly way.  Often, it is administered out of selfish anger and frustration.  The parent has an unloving demand that a behavior changes.  God himself uses punishment; the Bible is filled with it.  Unlike us, God always punishes out of holy, just, and perfect motive….his incomprehensible love.  GODLY punishment is part of loving our children well.  Continuous affirmation without consequences for wrong behavior will produce self-absorbed children devoid of conscience.  Consider the following points:

1. Punishment should be used as a last resort and sparingly.  Punishment should be an EVENT in the life of a child.

2.  The child must perceive deep LOVE as the parent’s motivation  BEHIND the punishment or there will be a power-struggle.  All power-struggles are the fault of the parent.  The love motive is perceived by the child in the following ways: 

1.  You must have a CONSISTENT HISTORY of undoubted love
with your child.  The child must have enough love experiences
with the parent to carry him through the pain of punishment.

2.  The child must be able to SENSE your love even as you punish.
This happens through the tone of your voice, the look in your
eyes, and the way you touch after the punishment.

3.  Punishment must always be done is a mood of SORROW (not anger or frustration).  Children can tell the difference.  Punishment done in selfish anger will cause the child to store up animosity and look for ways to take revenge on the parent.

4.  Once punishment is over, it is OVER.  The child must then be restored in his relationship to his parents.

5. Punishment must always be followed by the OPPORTUNITY OF GRACE.  Reconciliation must be the final goal.  Love must never be withheld as punishment.      

Punishment has a two-fold purpose:

1.  REVELATION:  Punishment is to stun the child into the
realization that life is not here just for him…there are
consequences for behavior…God is just (as well as merciful)
…people are accountable…the soul deserves condemnation
…the "wages of sin is death!"

2.  RESTORATION:  Punishment should open the heart of a
child to the SURPRISE OF GRACE.  God gives us what we
do not deserve.  The heart that is aware of sin is appreciative of the costliness of forgiveness.  Punishment opens
the door to reconciliation.

As parents punish is a godly way, they are revealing an aspect of the character of God himself…God is not just forgiving; he is also holy and just.  The Bible consists of TWO teachings…the Gospel and the Law.  Children need both in order to fully understand and appreciate the heart of God.

QUESTION:  My wife and I are torn between sending our 8th son to a Christian high school, or letting him attend the public high school a couple of blocks away.  Could you give us some input for us to consider?

ANSWER:  The goal of a Christian education should always be to help parents equip their children to fulfill the Great Commission…..to "go ye therefore…." (Mt. 28:19-20).  Christian schools should never be used to cloister our children from the secular world; they should be used to prepare children to transform the secular world.   I realize that much of the same "garbage" happens in Christian schools, but the set-up and under-pinnings allow students at a Christian school to avoid some significant faith challenges they would have to face daily in a public school.  The question should not be “should my child be launched out into the secular world, but “when”.
With this understanding in mind and without knowing your 8th grader, I have to be somewhat general, but the following thoughts should help:

1.  First and foremost…know the level of your son's spiritual maturity.  Is he solid enough in his faith to do a good job at being "the salt and the light" (Mt. 5:13-14).  Or, will he get swallowed up by the world of public high school?  Spiritual maturity varies with each individual.  Hopefully, after 9 years of Christian education a child will be well equipped to enter a public high school.  This might not be the case with your son.  (By the way, I believe the primary responsibility of Christian education and “heart-shaping” falls on the parents, not the school.)

2.  Consider the size of the high school and the social skills of your son.  Will he be able to find, make, and keep good friends in this environment?  Social relationships will make or break the high school experience.  Will these friends have the same moral and spiritual values as your son?  Is your son a leader or a follower?

3.  Over the years, has their been an ongoing conversation, expectation, and excitement initiated and fueled by mom and dad that he will enter the "mission field" of public high school in the 9th grade.  Preparation is critical.  This choice should not be "sprung" on him the year before.  Have you as parents imparted to your son, a vision of lifestyle evangelism that he will carry with him into the public school?  Can your son articulate his faith?  Can he live his faith among unbelievers?

4.  You must investigate what Christian "support system" exists in the school he will attend.  Will he have other Christian friends that he knows are going to attend this public high school?  Is there a "Young Life" or "Ambassadors for Christ" program?  Is he active in and supported by his church youth group?

5.  Listen to and talk with your son often and personally about how he feels about this issue.  Regardless of the final choice, does he understand the ramifications?  Give him the option of changing school after the first semester (No sooner…unless he is in physical danger.)

6.  Be careful not to spare him that which might make him stronger because YOU can't handle knowing he is struggling.  A public high school can equip many young Christians to share the Gospel through challenges they may not get at a Christian high school.  Public high school can also break a young person’s faith and moral convictions.

7.  You must consider these multiple factors as a whole.  You must know your child well.

This is a great opportunity to pray together as a family, share Scripture, impart a vision, and put your lives into God's strong hands.  Regardless of which school you ultimately choose, believe God will honor your prayers and work your choice to the good of your child.

QUESTION:   What is a good measure of Christian maturity?

ANSWER:   There are many… how one forgives, loves, sacrifices… but one of my favorite characteristics to watch for in an individual as I counsel is to observe how they view problems in life.  The mature believer sees problems as the primary tool God uses to shape people into the image of Christ.  The mature Christian doesn’t whine to God when problems arise.  He knows that any problem that gets in the way of his relationship with God, God will remove.  The other problems are opportunities for spiritual growth.  Although he knows the path through problems may be difficult, he rejoicing in the effect.  St. James tells us:  “Consider it pure joy when you encounter various trials for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  Let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  (See also Romans 5:3-5)

As I have counseled individuals, couples and families over the years, I am convinced that problems are indeed opportunities.  God accomplishes character changes through struggles that cannot be accomplished in any other way.  The measure of a mature believer can be found in his courage, hope and steadfastness in wrestling with the problems of life.

QUESTION:  My wife and I have noticed that our son’s prayers are just “give me” this and “give me” that.  How can we teach him to focus on other things?

ANSWER: Listening to someone’s prayers (or lack of prayers) speaks volumes about his character, level of spiritual maturity, empathy and awareness.   Jesus said:  “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”  A person’s words, especially to God, are windows to observe his heart.  Your concerns are valid.

Sadly, it is quite common for children (and many adults) to focus on “gimme” prayers.  In addition, it is popular in many churches to emphasize the “bless me” aspect of our prayer relationship with God.  We are selfish and self-absorbed by our very nature.  In suburbia, our affluence and busy-ness exacerbate and amplify this problem (sin). In contrast, altruism and empathy are to an overwhelmingly great extent learned behaviors.   Parents have the godly responsibility to teach and model these behaviors.

Even without knowing your son’s age, I can tell you that any child over 3 can understand the concept of at least two kinds of prayers:  “help prayers” and “thank you” prayers.  As you pray with your son every night, spend equal time on both.  Ask him to think of people and situations that need “help” from God and situations that deserve a “thank you”.  Teach him the “Lord’s Prayer” with some age appropriate explanation.   As he grows older, memorized prayers are a source of familiarity, security and comfort.  On the other hand, impromptu prayers are important to develop thoughtfulness and ease in situations where praying is done out loud.

By ages 8 to 10, you can help him use and understand a variety of prayers using the “ACTS” acronym (prayers of Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication).  Have your son watch the news with you to help develop empathy and compassion for our world as well as to provide material for prayers.   Appreciativeness and thankfulness will come along in the package.  Most churches also have some kind of a weekly prayer list that you can read over with your son for some closer to home prayer ideas.  Involve you family in a variety of service opportunities to provide more prayer material.  Keep a prayer journal so your son can track God’s responses and can remind himself of specific ongoing prayers.  Don’t forget to share with your son the Bible stories and promises relating to steadfast and godly prayers.  Finally be prepared to answer his questions about why prayers are not always answered the way we would like.

We know from research that parents are the most influential and powerful assets in the lives of their children.  A father’s influence on his son is incalculable.  Model thoughtful, compassionate and thankful prayers as you pray aloud.  Fathers should be the initiators and leaders of prayer in their homes.  Your son will listen to what you say and remember under what circumstances you say it.  Watch for opportunities to pray!  When you leave for a trip, spend some time in prayer in your car before you leave.  When you narrowly miss an accident, stop and say a prayer of thanksgiving.  Say a prayer of blessing and thankfulness out loud over you son everyday.   When you have enjoyed a great experience, don’t forget to stop and thank God.  When you wrong your son, pray a confessional prayer with him.  Let your son see you as a man of prayer in everything you do.

Bottom line:  you can’t make your son’s heart pray like Christ.  Only the Holy Spirit can do that.  You can, however, watch for pray for and create opportunities where prayer is attractive and powerful.  You can be a parent whose prayer life is wonderfully seductive to your son.  As with most struggles involving our children, God will do as great a work in you as he will in your son!